To: Everyone
From: The Department of Complaints
Re: Updates During COVID-19 Pandemic
During this difficult time, the Department wishes to reassure you that although we are working with a smaller staff than usual (due to budget cuts that quite frankly make no sense when companies like Ruth’s Chris are getting bailout money and the Post Office is on its last spindly little legs) this crisis has not slowed our dedication to public service. Phone lines are open, emails are being received and for those of you who’ve never trusted technology anyway and have said for years that such a moment would come and we should get ready (we are in close communication with the Department of Why Is No One Listening to Me?), we still accept letters in envelopes with stamps.
We are following all government guidelines and are managing our psychological and mental stress with daily eye rolls and primal screams, just as we always do. Our staff are still committed to Sharing Your Umbrage and Finding A Solution. Please note that we are following state, not federal, guidelines. We found that our tolerance for unreliability, lack of coordination, confusion, contradiction and politicking was not as strong as we thought. So, although we do tune into Governor Cuomo’s daily briefings (we’ve been charmed by his direct address and Queens accent — VenTA-Lay-Tor — plus it’s nice the way he talks about his daughters), we’ve stopped keeping up with the White House briefings. Anthony Fauci was the big draw, anyway, and now that he and his New York accent have been sidelined, it’s just not the same.
With life such a jumble of ups and downs, we’ve found that people are getting departments mixed up and some of you are calling different departments willy-nilly just because you feel like talking to someone. This is mishegas, people! Staff from different departments are now calling us to complain and we can’t serve you if the lines are clogged with our own employees. And for those of you who are sick of talking to your pets, the TV set and your spouse without getting a response, we have created a new hotline (see below).
Not our Department
We’ve learned from the Department of Gratitude (which is currently feeling joyful and overwhelmed) that some of you are submitting statements of gratitude that are accompanied by a qualifier. You cannot be grateful for one thing and then add “but” to the end of your submission. You must divide the differing statements and send each to the appropriate department. You are grateful for your health but wish your partner would stop binge watching “Grey’s Anatomy” while you’re trying to clean the pantry for the fifth time? Two different submissions, two different departments.
Your gratitude for your health goes to the Department of Gratitude, which can spread your good vibes across the land. Your annoyance with your partner (which this department completely understands) comes to us, the Department of Complaints, so that we can issue a cease and desist. And the Department of Complaints is NOT the same as the Department of Whinging & Whining. Not that there’s any conflict between the departments, it’s just that they have their own issues and quite frankly, we don’t have the time for drama.
Also, please don’t complain about things that are not within our purview. That’s why we have the Department of Venting & Kvetching. For example, if your roommate is jogging in place while watching MSNBC all morning to the point where you want to trip them so that they slam into the Ikea media unit (that, by the way, you put together by yourself even though they did help bring it up the stairs) but you can’t do anything because they’re in charge of laundry, then head to the Department of Venting & Kvetching.
And come on — why did I have children? is not our department. For heaven’s sake, we weren’t there when you made the decision and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, so you need to either get a pep talk from the Department of There Are Bright Sides or grumble and cry to the Department of Regrets. You know this, people! Yes, wait times are much longer than usual but as you can imagine all departments are currently under strain.
What is wrong with people?
TAKE NOTE: we are NO LONGER USING ZOOM. We found that seeing your bookshelves, laundry, matching dining room set, framed wedding photos (wow — that dress!), pets and dirty dishes made it impossible for us to focus. When some of you decided you want to show us things you do naked, we had to draw the line. You know who you are. What is wrong with people, anyway?
Where did I put that piece of paper?
Below you will find an updated Covid-19 contact list which we urge you to memorize. In an effort to get out of this period with more than email chain baking recipes you could attempt to memorize the information in another language. You could also scribble it on a post-it note to leave in that junk drawer that you’ve been meaning to clean out but just never have the energy to tackle and this pandemic really isn’t helping because why? Department of Idleness & Ennui — very, very busy right now.
Finally, all departments give PRIORITY to essential workers. They can cut in line any time they want and they can stay on as long as they need. The fact that we have to even say such a thing means you better get the Department of Get Your Priorities Straight on speed dial.
- Department of Complaints — for issues that can be resolved with action (this does not include anything that has to do with Congress or the White House)
- Department of Gratitude — to send good vibes throughout the land
- Department of Venting & Kvetching — there’s nothing you can do about it, just need to get it off your chest
- Department of Whining — see above but add that you go on and on, ad nauseum
- Department of Give Me A Break — for people who are still Sweating the Small Stuff, this department will help you regain perspective
- Department of Idleness & Ennui — napping (again) really is okay, something might come out of it but if it doesn’t, oh well!
- Department of Good Deeds — no one is keeping count but we know you’re a saint
- Department of Why Won’t Anyone Listen to Me? — we’re not sure but we will try to help
- Department of I Told You This Would Happen — we believe you
- Department of Kind Words — THANK YOU, FINALLY AND KEEP AT IT!
- Department of I Can’t Take It Anymore — see Department of Venting & Kvetching
- Department of Wish I Hadn’t Said That — see Department of Regrets or Department of Apologies
- Department of Apologies — we are keeping lists and connecting parties who wish to really make amends but this requires a lot of interdepartmental coordination so be patient
- Department of Self-Flagellation — well, it actually is your fault
- Department of Bright Sides & Joie de Vivre — there IS a silver lining so keep making those flower crowns, blithe spirits
- Department of Regrets — this department coordinates with the Departments of Self-Flagellation, Ego Management and the Apologies Department often through conference call but again, be prepared for longer wait times
- Department of Ego Management — this department will take you down many notches, which you probably deserve
- Department of Fecal Mischief — why you haven’t trained your dog to poop in the woods is beyond us but you must have seen those signs dogs wear when they’re naughty, the department will make one for you for free
Truly, madly, deeply
Finally, let us not forget our patron saint, Sei Shōnagon, a noblewoman of 10th century Japan whose list of Hateful Things inspires us daily. You may find her work in Phillip Lopate’s excellent compendium “The Art of the Personal Essay,” which covers such topics as: drinking, walking, diatribe, ambition, humor, death, country living, food and family ties. It is 763 pages.
And please, don’t call and carp that it’s too long and you don’t have the time because you will be transferred to Give Me A Break, where you will be reminded that if you can work from home, have a roof over your head, your health, food, friends, family, fresh air and the internet, then you really have nothing to complain about.
Unless you are an ESSENTIAL WORKER, in which case you can call and say whatever you want for however long you want because you make the world go ’round and we love you, truly, madly, deeply.
Maria Maggenti and her pug live on Shelter Island, but only when it’s cold and empty. Once the warm weather rolls in, she moves to Los Angeles where she’s a full-time fulminator, takes umbrage easily, and is a writer for film and television.
[Editor’s note: Thank you, Maria! And to our readers, while there is no actual hotline, we do welcome your calls at 631-749-9222 or emails at editor@shelterislandgazette.com and actual letters in envelopes with stamps at PO Box 1024, Shelter Island Heights NY 11965. Hang in there!]
