I love the internet. I love love love it. I am constantly connected, totally devoted, and most probably addicted. However, I do try to control, not just what I take in, but what I put out there.
Some people use social media to vent, rant, or simply stir the pot. Not me.
I tend toward staring at complicated recipes I’ll never try, videos of cute kittens tumbling downstairs, and three-day-old babies cooing “I love you” to hysterically happy parents who don’t yet know that all new-baby sounds translate to “I love you.”
But what’s out here on the internet isn’t all hearts and flowers and loath as I am to spew in any direction, ever, I am totally riveted when a simple comment or “seemingly” innocent question spirals wildly out of control, plummets down the internet rabbit hole and inevitably gets political.
It ends up in a “you people” kind of place, then finally devolves into WWIII.
Let the devolvement begin
I’m not even sure what devolve means, but it feels like a perfect description of how fast a simple comment morphs into an ALL CAPS, triple-exclamation point, name-calling, screaming match between people who most often don’t even know each other.
Here is an example from a site I follow, composed of a group of cooking enthusiasts, and it’s pretty close to verbatim. I have changed the names because I need this group and don’t want to get kicked out of the club.
I’ve never asked a question, but I check the site several times a day because I know for sure someone will start something, and I’m right there, shoving popcorn in my mouth at the first-round bell of the virtual screaming match.
First the bell, the come out swinging
Karen: Hi! I’m new to this Speedy Pot group. Can someone tell me how to make hardboiled eggs in my Speedy Pot?
Sharon: Why would you do that? Why can’t you just, like, boil them on the stove?
Lonnie: Maybe she doesn’t have a stove. Ever think of that? Not everyone has stoves.
Darlene: Well, she maybe should have thought of that before she spent all her money on a Speedy Pot. And the internet.
Karen: LOL! I do have a stove, but I’m boiling two dozen eggs and wanted to try the Speedy Pot. I got it from my husband as an anniversary gift.
Sharon: Anniversary gift? Like, what did you get for Valentine’s Day? A mop? LOL!
Annette: Why are you laughing?. At least she got a gift. I’d be grateful to get a mop! Have you seen the new mops? They just don’t make them the way they used to.
Sharon: OMG! That many eggs are like, sooo bad for you! The yolks are like, pure cholesterol. They don’t even get to your stomach, they go right, like, to the carotid artery and stick there. I watched a whole program on yolks. Oprah or Dr. Oz, or maybe it was Housewives of New Jersey. One of them. But, like, yolks are just yellow death.
Johnny: Bullpoop! Pardon my French, but first the experts said they’re bad. Now they’re good. It’s the experts that are gonna kill ya! Not the damn eggs!
Cubby: Bullpoop is better for you than that many eggs. Why so many?
Doreen: Cubby, Why are you even asking her that? It’s not your business. It’s nobody’s business. The poor woman just wants to know how to make them in her Speedy Pot.
Death by mayonnaise
Karen: Oh, that’s OK Doreen and Cubby. I’m making deviled eggs for a Boy Scout picnic.
Annette: OMG! Don’t let deviled eggs sit in the sun. That mayonnaise goes bad real fast. You’ll kill all your little scouts. Not that there are that many Scouts around to kill anymore. Kids today stay inside all the time, they don’t do Scouts. Wasn’t that way before the Internet. Kids today are glued to their electronics when they should be out playing in the fresh air, just not eating the mayonnaise.
Lonnie: Ewww. I hate mayonnaise. I can eat Miracle Whip, though. It goes bad, too, but it’s not so many calories. I’d use Miracle Whip instead.
Bobby: I was a Boy Scout. And you’re right. It’s not like it used to be. But don’t get me started! Nothing’s good anymore, not since they walked on the moon.
Jimmy: The moon? You seriously think people actually walked on the moon? Why? Because some space cadet expert said so? It was fake and I have proof!! My uncle’s neighbor designed that moon-landing set. THE WHOLE THING WAS STAGED!!!!
Karen: Ummm…instead of deviled eggs, maybe I’ll bring mac and cheese. Can anyone tell me how to make that in my Speedy Pot?
Speedy Pot Group Moderator: I’ve turned off comments for this post. And Karen — just use your damn stove.
This post is the latest installment of Joanne Sherman’s Off the Column column, with new work appearing every other Tuesday. Follow this link to find past columns.
A former Associate Editor of the Shelter Island Reporter, Joanne has won multiple awards for her humor columns in both the Suffolk Times and the Reporter. Her essays have appeared in the New York Times, Southern Living, Cosmopolitan, Family Circle, and other publications. She wrote a column, “Can We Talk”, in Toastmaster, a magazine for Toastmasters International, and was an award-winning humorist/commentator for WPBX radio in Southampton. She and her husband, Hoot Sherman, live on Shelter Island.
